21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
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Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
You better watch out
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead