Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Phonetics
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.