Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt