Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Employees must applaud the planets.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding