Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
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Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
bought wrong eggs
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.