Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Note to self: always read the final line
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second