My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
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Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”