You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
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BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.