Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
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omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.