WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
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People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone