Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
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Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Sell your car
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
When your man makes a valid point
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.