Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
You Might Also Like
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
HERE’S MARKY