Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
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That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
some things should go without saying
where the womens at?
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.