Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
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“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Van Gone
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’