[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
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Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
shut up and take my money
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*