WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
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Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Lmaoo 😂
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet