Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
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The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!