WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
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Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Big Sex has us all fooled