WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
What a year we’ve had this week.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet