WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
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What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
😂😂
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”