WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
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I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
wishing you and yours all the best
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.