wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby