Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
good work, everybody
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.