[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
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Only Americans understand
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Meow
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.