Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
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Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King