Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
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God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?