Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
You Might Also Like
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.