hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
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November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”