It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
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I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Social Media and Real life
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I feel it
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.