Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen