Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.