WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
for all #parents out there
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Okay
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.