A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?