She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
then why did i get this email
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
how much for the angry fruit?
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵