Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
You Might Also Like
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
LOL
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…