Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.