Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
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Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb