WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
You Might Also Like
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
excuse me
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
damn he’s good
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.