We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.