“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
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Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.