I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
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Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.