“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
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this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Botany good plants lately?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing