We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
good morning
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.