WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
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I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
the clam before the storm
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Science memes
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume