Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
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Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia