When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
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Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.