WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
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I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?