wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
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Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
craving $300 all of a sudden
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Breaking news:
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.