Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
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#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
they finally got him. they got macavity
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
This is the best one I’ve seen
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.