Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
You Might Also Like
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..