WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
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Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
can’t wait til they legalize outside
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.